hi! thanks for reading at the open-heart of it. i really love this fic and haven’t stopped thinking about it since i finished writing it so i decided to do a braindump of sorts in case anyone on earth feels even a little close to as intense about it as i do. lmao.

queerness, transness, masculinity, asianness

so obviously these four tenets are like, everything in this fic. since i started writing fic about 6 years ago i’ve wanted to write a trans “coming of age” fic, where “coming of age” really means “coming of gender” because as someone who came out and transitioned as an adult it’s always important to me to tell that sort of story.

to me, this story would be changed fundamentally with the removal of even one of these intersections. all of them are important; it’s in the way that ww and jh cohabitate, it’s in the way that sy takes care of jh when he needs it without having to ask, it’s in the way jh kept slippers at mg’s place and the way mg kept them all those long months. whenever i would get bogged down writing a section, i always found myself returning to a framing that included these things implicitly. i wanted to tell a romance story that heavily featured elements from my own lived experience as a queer and trans asian man. jh ended up being way more of a self-insert than i ever intended but that’s what i love about fanfic!

the city of los angeles

pretty symbolic, right? the city in the US where you Make It, Make Yourself, etc. i used to live in LA and the time that i lived in echo park was the most formative for me. a lot of the places they go in open-heart are real or are based on real places. they really do have swan boats in the lake although in doing research, i learned they completely remodeled the park including the lake a few years ago, and so now the lake is actually pretty nice but i remember it being gross so that’s how i wrote it, lmao. stories the bookshop/coffeeshop combo really is there and i wanted to work there SO BADLY but they were never hiring while i lived there so i worked at starbucks in dtla instead. i was one of those people who sat and read in the cafe for hours on my day off for sure. i alternately imagined both jh and mg living in the apartment i lived in, even though they’re supposed to live several blocks apart. here’s some photos from my time in LA to give you the vibes:

this was the view from the terrace outside my apartment. i was picturing this for jh&ww’s apartment view when jh returns home after spending the night with mg, when he takes a deep breath before sy opens the door.


the same view but an artsy photo lmao. i was evoking THIS version for mg’s apartment when jh leaves mg’s after taking him home from the bar.

the fountains at echo park lake. the first one is the view at sunset on the dock that ww & sy have their first date on. directly to the right outside the view of this image is the boathouse bistro. the second one is the view if you are standing with the lady of the lake statue directly behind you. this would also be the view for the reunion at dawn scene but the benches are between the statue and the lake in real life, so you can't actually stare up at her in pensive thought, unfortunately.

bonus: this is the view of the fountains if you are in a swan boat, almost directly underneath them :-)

the santa monica pier. this is basically the exact photo i was picturing that mg had on his wall in place of the old photo of jh.

pride and prejudice

i’m not sure how apparently it comes through now, but this fic was heavily inspired by pride and prejudice. specifically the 2005 movie version with keira knightley. that movie was very deeply formative to me as a romance storyteller can you tell?? it was originally going to follow more closely beat for beat, but as it developed it felt more important and natural to tell the story that was forming rather than try to wrestle it back into alignment with p&p. from meeting at a party in the beginning, to meeting at the park at dawn near the end, there are a lot of key scenes that i borrowed straight from mr joe wright lmao. the letter from mg concept was basically stolen straight from mr darcy’s dramatic letter to lizzie. ultimately i think jh’s whole hang-up re: his fear that mg would leave him even though there was no reason for him to think that, was certainly a form of prejudice even if it was borne of self-preservation. even the entire snwu subplot was meant to be a mirror of jane and mr bingley! originally, the title of the fic was first impressions, which was the working title of pride and prejudice when jane austen was writing it. i thought it made for a cute tongue-in-cheek reference to jh feeling like he was meeting mg for the first time all over again, finally as he always wanted to be seen. as i mentioned, the story no longer felt like it followed closely enough to be called that i so i came up with the final title and named jh’s novel after it instead ;-)

as always, i made a playlist

link to the playlist on apple music. for spotify users dedicated to the cause, i’ve listed all the songs below as well~

all my favorite songs about being in love, being broken up with, and reconciliation and a word about their place on the playlist (this is largely just the order i added them to the playlist, if you happen to listen to it i recommend putting it on shuffle!):

• wilderness call - jared and the mill. when we regret the way we’ve treated someone and struggle with deserving forgiveness…yeah

• into you - ariana grande. what can i say. simply a sexy song with vibes of “we shouldn’t… unless?”

• but not often, - microwave. once again, we shouldn’t… unless? love the grungy “why do i even still love you?” vibes of this one.

• ALLTHETIME - POLICE CAR COLLECTIVE. hopeless romantic ass song.

• happy birthday - hospital bracelet. this song really captures how angry jh felt at one point, even though it was all about things of his own imagination.

• BORED! - 19&YOU. rly fun song about your ex calling you up.

• would you - the vamps. very “precipice of a breakup” song

• satellite - harry styles. god this song. what can i say. here’s a line from the chorus: i can see you’re lonely down there / don’t you know that i am right here? definitely mg’s pov.

• almost (sweet music) - hozier. moving on after lost love.

• one day - monsta x. come on. right now i’m drunk, right now i’m wasted / spillin’ out my guts / to the ghost in our apartment.

• waste it on me (ft. BTS) - steve aoki. don’t you think there must be a reason? / like we had our names? / don’t you think there must be another season? / that come after spring? COME ON!!!! the inherent transness of Names and the season of rebirth that was this spring for jh into his love-filled summer with mg… incredible stuff

• lie again - seventeen. if you’re here you know why this song is on here. i recommend looking up the translation if you haven’t!

• blue hour - TXT. ahhh losing the love of your life. *clinks glass* cheers bro i’ll drink to that

• dar+ling - seventeen. it really hits me now and again that this song comes after a breakup but maintains that hopeful, i still love you vibe.

• thursday’s child has far to go - TXT. picking oneself up after loss.

• dug my heart - børns. i hope the cracks in the pavement / lead back to you, baby

• walking in the wind - one direction. meeting (your ex) with good feelings

• wanna go back - day6. once again, regret in the face of lost love.

• cruel - jackson wang. just a sexy ass song about SOMETHING. idk what he’s talking about on here but it’s hot. i’m coming back to you / and i hope you don’t mind / that i’m wasting your time

• pool - paramore. second chances, being willing to drown again if it’s with you.

• go find yourself or whatever - carly rae jepsen. this song freaked my bean when i heard it. listen from mg’s pov. if you love something, let it go (or whatever)

• chill - stray kids. more “about to break up” vibes.
• soso - winner. not feeling good, and not feeling bad after a breakup. just about feeling numb. feeling soso.
• falling - harry styles. ohhhh god you guys. this one. what if i’m down? / what if i’m out? / what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? these lines alone make it a hall of famer for this fic. iykyk. the spiral of lost love; are you falling back in love or falling back in the hole, the dark well of loneliness?